Our friendship isn't benefitting me and probably not you either. Everyone matures and grows at a different pace, and everyone changes over time. I dont want to text or get together during that time., I dont want to hang out for a few weeks. "I know we both have a lot going on right now, but I dont think Im in a place to keep being friends with you when our values are so different.". You may no longer be friends, but its still best to be polite and move on with grace. This image is not<\/b> licensed under the Creative Commons license applied to text content and some other images posted to the wikiHow website. The truth is, I don't think I love you the way that I should. Dr. Adam Dorsay, a licensed psychologist, says the answer to that question will immediately say a lot about whether or not this is a friendship thats worth growing and investing in.[1] Leading media outlets such as TIME Magazine, The Chicago Tribune, The Hill, MSN,WebMD, and 100+ more rely on SocialSelfs expertise in psychology. Knowing When It's Time to End Your Friendship. She was a taker and constantly called me (sometimes over and over) even if she knew I was doing something important with my kids or boyfriend. wikiHow, Inc. is the copyright holder of this image under U.S. and international copyright laws. Check in with the signs of bad friendships to empower yourself to end it. wikiHow, Inc. is the copyright holder of this image under U.S. and international copyright laws. "I feel terrible when I'm around you because you always put me down and make me feel bad, so I don't want to be friends with you. I have learned to live a truly fulfilling and exemplary life. Before taking any action, no matter the reasons, its best to really consider if you want to end the friendship. For example, maybe you became friends when you started going to the same school or when you became coworkers. This image is not<\/b> licensed under the Creative Commons license applied to text content and some other images posted to the wikiHow website. Direct doesnt mean rude it only means honest. Do they really listen to me?, Are they kind to me? The best way to end a friendship is in person and telling your friend how you feel. So before pulling the plug . ", 4. [4] People with NPD may get angry when they feel slighted or put down. To do. I wish you all the best in life and I have decided to end our friendship. You might even feel that stress creeping up into your jaw and your shoulders right now. recep-bg/E+/Getty Images. 2. I was always the one that had to text you first or ask you to hang out. It's not a good friendship when there always has to be a winner and a loser. If theres a real issue, although uncomfortable, its better to be honest and direct. Unfortunately, it's not always easy to figure out when and how to end a friendship, especially if you don't want things getting ugly. Accept that the pages have turned, and you will never see that person again. Ending it. Abusive or toxic friends may become angry or try to manipulate you when you tell them that you want to end the friendship. {"smallUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/images\/thumb\/3\/38\/End-a-Toxic-Friendship-over-Text-Step-7.jpg\/v4-460px-End-a-Toxic-Friendship-over-Text-Step-7.jpg","bigUrl":"\/images\/thumb\/3\/38\/End-a-Toxic-Friendship-over-Text-Step-7.jpg\/aid12742660-v4-728px-End-a-Toxic-Friendship-over-Text-Step-7.jpg","smallWidth":460,"smallHeight":345,"bigWidth":728,"bigHeight":546,"licensing":" \u00a9 2022 wikiHow, Inc. All rights reserved. He manages SocialSelfs scientific review board. To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. This gives you a chance toaskeach other where this can go or if things should just end between the two of you. Colin Tipping, author of the book Radical Forgiveness, recommends an exercise to help manage all of the feelings and emotions that can come along with letting go of a friendship. Poor communication is a deal-breaker in any relationship. If you choose to do so, carefully word your text to be as compassionate as possible, while also giving a reason for ending the friendship so your friend can have closure. Do not comment on your ex-friends social media posts. More recently, texts have become a common medium for breakups. Cut all communication ties with abusive friends. wikiHow is where trusted research and expert knowledge come together. This is the worst way for a friendship to end, especially if they were a good friend and then became toxic. wikiHow, Inc. is the copyright holder of this image under U.S. and international copyright laws. Masini tells Elite Daily, "By asking. When you know or suspect that a friend is in love with youfor example, if they are an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriendyou might feel guilty about ending the friendship because they will probably be upset. The friendship is consistently. 11. If you want to end one of your friendships, whether you've known them for years, or only a few months, there are two main ways to do it: Formally "break up" with them. The best way to end a friendship is in person and telling your friend how you feel. When You Didn't Feel A Spark On A First Date. Ask them if could please make an effort to include you more in the future. We use cookies to make wikiHow great. 1. This is also a good option so you can take your time thinking of anything and everything you want to say to them before saying goodbye forever. Ending a friendship formally and breaking up might be better if: Our friendship isnt working for me anymore, and I think its best for us to go our separate ways.. Weve put together a guide to give you 10 options and strategies to end your friendship and give yourself permission to pursue the new connections you deserve. Megan Hatch is a writer atYourTangowho covers news & entertainment,love & relationships,and internet culture. End the conversation if they get angry at you. Breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend is hard, and well discuss a polite way to handle that in a future lesson, but what about breaking up with a friend? Email the order confirmation to SocialSelf to get your unique coupon code. If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. Most people will get the hint that you dont want to be friends anymore if you arent enthusiastic to hear from them and show no interest in meeting up. You mustn't defriend or unfollow them, that's a cold slap in the face. No matter what is happened, you have stuck by my side. Cosmetic Surgery 6 Things Not to Say (& What to Say Instead). Don't call, text or email. This image may not be used by other entities without the express written consent of wikiHow, Inc. \u00a9 2022 wikiHow, Inc. All rights reserved. It is effective when you do not want the other party to be kept in the dark but desire to avoid a face to face conversation. wikiHow, Inc. is the copyright holder of this image under U.S. and international copyright laws. It is important for friendships to develop to their fullest potential as you share your feelings, interests, life events and goals. Our website services, content and products are not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. I want friends who understand and support me where Im at. ", 13. 16 July 2021. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201603/8-signs-toxic-friendship, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnpMJHdByHk&t=750s, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/202102/whats-the-best-way-end-toxic-friendship, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/269990843_How_Friendships_End_Patterns_Among_Young_Adults, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201612/8-strategies-dealing-the-toxic-people-in-your-life, https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you-part-i, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/narcissism-demystified/202009/13-fake-apologies-used-narcissists, https://time.com/5402304/friendship-breakups-worse-romantic/, https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20210623-why-its-ok-to-let-friendships-fade-out, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zMPJasHT_c&t=259s, Mengakhiri Pertemanan Toksik melalui Pesan Singkat, Eine toxische Freundschaft via Textnachricht beenden, terminar una amistad txica por mensaje de texto, Een giftige vriendschap via sms beindigen, Troncare un'Amicizia Tossica attraverso i Messaggi di Testo, Do I worry that theyll take out their anger or frustration on me?, Does our friendship feel like an emotional roller coaster?, Do they make me feel like I have to compete with their other friends?, How much time do they spend talking compared to how much time I spend talking? Draw lines on texting, calling, and face-to-face contact: I think its best if we dont talk, or, I know well see each other in class, but Id like to stop texting.. Not everything in life should feel that way, especially with friendships. Writing a letter is also a good option, but a text is an easier andfaster option and the better optionfor an unhealthy friendshipyou want to end. You could allow the friendship to fade by gradually distancing yourself, having a face-to-face conversation, or writing them a letter. This is a door you want to close. "I'm sorry, but I feel like both of us realize that it's become an obligation to talk to each other when we know that deep down the friendship is gone. While we might not see it that way, many friendships start because of circumstances. ", 5. 3. The No-fail Outfit That Works For 90% of Occasions, Internet Etiquette: Cultivating Your Online Image, Checklist to identify high quality clothing, Dealing with chatterboxes: How to cut a conversation short. The chances are undeniable. Notify me when someone responds to my comment. On the other hand, it could also make you realize how completely different each of your expectations is and set the tone for endingthe friendship. I did everything in my power to make you happy, while I never got even an ounce of care back. But if being friends with them feels more like a chore than it is enjoyable, it's OK for the friendship to end. Trusted family members are a good choice. Not all friendships last forever. Answer: In any kind of relationshipfriendship, romance, businessyou want to strive for on-going communication, not confrontation. Do not think badly, but I will not take up your time, nor will question. "I feel like we have different priorities and values in life that don't match up anymore and for those reasons, I don't think we should be friends anymore. "The first should be written to express and release all your emotions. How often do you even see them? Sheehy tells the story of Martha, a graduate student, wife, and mother who felt sucked dry by an emotionally dependent friend. [linkto: when-stop-being-friends]. By removing yourself . This involves ending a friendship face-to-face, on the phone, or via a written message that makes it clear you dont want to be friends anymore. Download Article. Wishing you a happy friendship day, my dear friend. For example, if you and your best friend have always talked about serious issues over text rather than face-to-face, it might be an appropriate option. Sometimes friends just drift apart and you don't feel like making the effort to keep the friendship anymore. Sometimes, a friendship can be repaired. The Ray Donovan alum called out Kent for sharing photos of her and Emmett's children, writing via instagram, "Since you don't want to answer my text messages, I'll try here. If the fade-out method doesnt feel appropriate and you cant talk to your friend in person, another option is to end your friendship by writing a letter, either on paper or via email. 1 "I appreciate the invite, but my interests have shifted in the past few years and I. We did say to each other that we are friends forever. How to Write a Letter to End a Friendship, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/modern-mentality/201803/why-friendships-end, https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-4-rs-of-a-kick-ass-apology_b_4611815, https://writingcenter.unc.edu/tips-and-tools/conclusions/, https://au.reachout.com/articles/3-ways-to-end-a-toxic-friendship. This article has been viewed 52,179 times. You dont want to end up a living a life surrounded by people you dont actually like or appreciate. Let your friend know you would like to meet and have a conversation about your friendship so they are not blindsided. Manage SettingsContinue with Recommended Cookies, I dont want to hang out with one of my friends anymore. I Didn't Realize I Was A Toxic Friend Until My Best Friend Ghosted Me, How To End A Toxic Friendship (Without Ghosting Like A Jerk), end a friendship gracefullyand on good terms, Sometimes We Lose People In Order To Find Ourselves, 15 Signs You've Found Your Platonic Soulmate, The Psychological Trick That Reveals What Your Friends Subconsciously Think Of You, How To Know When It's Time To End A Toxic Friendship, 3 Mind Games The Most Insecure Men Play In Relationships, If Your Guy Does These 7 Things, He's Playing You For A Fool, 16 Warning Signs You're Dealing With An Evil Person, The 10 Seconds That Ended My 20-Year Marriage. "We've grown apart lately and I don't think we should be friends. Sommerfeldt adds: "Be honest about how you've felt in the relationship and explain why you no longer want to be friends." Set a boundary that limits your time and contact with them It's important. Friendships should be happy relationships and this one certainly is not. I'm sorry to end things this way, but I haven't been happy in our relationship for a while now. ", For instance, if your friend continually asks you to go out to restaurants when you dont want to, try: Hey, Quinn, Ill hang out with you Friday, but I want to stay in. It may be wise to meet with them one last time to bring things to a close and give your friend a chance to respond. [5] They may lie in a very convincing way and tell you that theyll change even if they have no intention of treating you differently. Communicate Honestly And Effectively. Join our weekly Relationships Newsletter. Shutterstock. This also applies to a relationship where youre definitely in contact, but not necessarily besties. Here are a few tips to note when writing your letter. "I know we have a history together, but for the past couple of years or so,I feel as if we've grown distant and I don't think either of us wants to be friends anymore. Its OK to put your mental health first and cut contact completely. This methodalso doesn't abruptly hurt people's feelings and lots of times people can take a hint if someone stops making an effort to talk to you. Leave the situation: Stop responding, put your phone on airplane mode, or block their number if they continue trying to argue with you. Just as it's normal for romantic relationships to fall apart, it's normal for friendships to end. If you choose the "break-up" approach, be sure to do it in person. Some people become jealous of their friends, develop a toxic personality, or are trying to purposely make you feel awful. You do not have to answer your former friends calls or reply to texts. Should I tell her that I think our friendship is over, or should I just distance myself? % of people told us that this article helped them. It might help to remember that forcing yourself to be friends with someone you dont want to be around is not kind. I don't want people like that around in my life. Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered. To receive your $50 SocialSelf coupon, sign up for BetterHelp using the link below. Learn why people who "don't try" often are so socially successful. If you arent sure whether its time to move on, check out this guide: How do you know if its time to end a friendship? Jessica is trained in the Imago technique and the Gottman method for couples therapy. This newfound time without your friend can give you a glimpse of what life would look like without your friend and make you realize if you actually do or don't want them in your life. Having adeceitful friend is not worth it because they might lie to you again and you don't know whether to trust them again. X When you end a friendship, you are giving your former friend a chance to spend their time getting to know people who truly want to hang out with them. People make mistakes, its human nature. If you really cant bring yourself to be that direct then continue to distance yourself by never initiating contact and politely refusing invitations. Raise your hand if you've ever been dumped and heard the words "just friends." We've all been thereand we've probably all used the same lame excuse to break up with someone, too. Adam Dorsay, PsyD. You know what? A friend is someone who wants to spend time with you. So what are you to do when you have someone in your life you well dont want in your life anymore? This image is not<\/b> licensed under the Creative Commons license applied to text content and some other images posted to the wikiHow website. She is a member of the International Board of Coaches and Practitioners (IBCP). wikiHow, Inc. is the copyright holder of this image under U.S. and international copyright laws. If the friendship feels uneven, consider where this feeling is coming from. wikiHow, Inc. is the copyright holder of this image under U.S. and international copyright laws. ", 12. Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered. How To Know When It's Time To End A Friendship (& 4 Ways To Do So Appropriately). I thought you as my best friend. Take a quiz, get matched, and start getting support via phone or video sessions. If you continue, Im going to stop responding., Sterling, Ive been feeling overwhelmed lately, so Im taking a month to refocus on myself. But it is something we all have to deal with at some point. This is a healthy way to end a relationship if you are dealing with a toxic friend or one that doesn't respect the boundaries that you are trying to set. This image is not<\/b> licensed under the Creative Commons license applied to text content and some other images posted to the wikiHow website. if there was one thing I have learned from when you became my friend. "Write three letters to your friend ," he says. What's new?" Giphy Yes, this might seem super simple, but keep in mind that sticking to the basics can go a long way in your friend's eyes. Friends can offer support in so many ways: soup when you're sick, words of comfort or distraction after a bad day, or a spare bedroom when you need to get away. If this occurs, it may be best to speak to them on a later occasion to prevent them from harm you or themselves. By signing up you are agreeing to receive emails according to our privacy policy. Your friend will feel like you're ganging up on her and will likely get defensive, hurt, and angry. Even though you are ending your relationship, keep your discussion healthy. Expert Interview. This isnt healthy for either of us., I wish you the absolute best, but I cant support you as a friend anymore., I hope you can understand that I cant be in this friendship anymore., I cant be in this friendship anymore. HOMEWORK:Think about your friendships, hopefully theyre all wonderfully fulfilling, but if not then try implementing some of these tips to make for a graceful transition out of an undesired friendship. It was a time of change and exploration. This image may not be used by other entities without the express written consent of wikiHow, Inc. \u00a9 2022 wikiHow, Inc. All rights reserved. This is a good option for you if you are the type of person who wouldn't want to have "the talk" because your friend might be too toxic or mean to you or you hate confrontation. 01 "Hey! ", 7. Takeaway. To Place's point, if you're not sure whether or not to cut someone out of your life, here are 9 signs it's time to end a friendship, according to therapists. There are no firm rules for ending a friendship by letter, but here are some general guidelines: Instead of sending your letter via email, you could send it via text message. A written goodbye can help you end things peacefully and abruptly and help you avoid a confrontation with a mean friend. Start improving your confidence, your conversation skills, or your ability to bond - in less than an hour. Lifes too short to waste time on people you dont genuinely want to be around and it goes both ways. Send this: "Thanks . Try fixing the relationship, then if they continue you can reduce contact knowing you tried. I rarely slam the door on relationships anymore, reducing contact is an easy way to move on without burning bridges. Do we each put equal effort into the friendship?, "Do I feel like they're making an effort to grow and improve as a person? Last Updated: July 15, 2022 If you need to cut an abusive person out of your life who makes you feel unsafe, even if they used to be your best friend, you do not owe them an explanation for why you dont want to see them anymore. This image is not<\/b> licensed under the Creative Commons license applied to text content and some other images posted to the wikiHow website. Would it be OK if I reach out when Im ready?. % of people told us that this article helped them. If you take some time apart and hang out less often, your feelings might fade. 11 April 2019. She earned an MA and PsyD in Clinical Psychology from The American School of Professional Psychology at Argosy University, San Francisco. You deserve better, so I think it's time to part ways while I figure myself out. The content produced by YourTango is for informational and educational purposes only. You may feel guilty for a while, especially if your ex-friend doesnt have other people to lean on, but this doesnt mean you havent made the right choice. You may be sad or angry or frustrated, and that's normal. Only because it does justice to the relationship, and a relationship like that deserves respect, and to at least go out on a truthful note. When you talk, the aim is to honestly express your feelings. Taking a break from a friend who is making you question if you even want to be friends with them actually has positive benefits. Even if you and your friend have an unhealthy relationship, thatdoesn't mean you shouldend the friendship on bad terms. But that doesn't mean a bridge should be burned. Answer (1 of 6): Text horrible choice do not think of this. This is a pretty tough option and requires a lot of courage from you, the same way that breaking up with a partner would. She also earned a Professional Life-Coach Certification from The Fowler Academy and an Infinite Possibilities Relationship Certification. You could say you're going to be really busy with work for the next 2 weeks and won't be available to talk. Treat them like an acquaintance. Friends tend to part ways over text. Having"The Talk" with a friend is all about an honest conversation between you and your friend. In most cases, ending a friendship with someone who has a mental illness is the same as ending any other friendship. If they invite you to coffee give a kind but plausible excuse. In order to take a break, you could be honest and say you need time away from them, but a little white lie won't hurt either if you don't want to hurt their feelings. How to end a friendship. Use the button below to get 20% off your first month at BetterHelp + a $50 coupon valid for any SocialSelf course. "I don't want to be friends anymore because I'm sick and tired of the constant competition. Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 52,179 times.
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\n<\/p><\/div>"}. Letter Writing Strategy. However, in a truly toxic situation, you have the right to get yourself out of there. There are 12 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. Now the closer the friendship the tougher it gets. Ending a friendship over text is impersonal and hurtful. Tala Johartchi, PsyDClinical Psychologist If your friend is unstable or potentially dangerous for any reason, it may help to: Join our free training and learn these 5 secrets to making friends. Don't schedule time to hang out unless you actually want to. If you have trouble deciding whether it's best to end the friendship, you may want to consult others since this is an important decision. They betrayed you The person repeatedly betrayed your trust and has not made amends. For example, you might feel mad at your friend after a fight and decide that the friendship is over. by Steve Calechman May 6, 2021 Jonathan Muroya for Fatherly Your friend was up for any road trip. document.getElementById("ak_js_1").setAttribute("value",(new Date()).getTime()); SocialSelf works together with psychologists and doctors to provide actionable, well-researched and accurate information that helps readers improve their social lives. You dont have to communicate that directly to the toxic friend, but plan ahead for social situations. This image is not<\/b> licensed under the Creative Commons license applied to text content and some other images posted to the wikiHow website. As a small thank you, wed like to offer you a $30 gift card (valid at GoNift.com). Just stop reaching out. wikiHow is where trusted research and expert knowledge come together. You think your friend would prefer to be alone when they learn that your friendship is over. It could be the best strategy if you are an emotional type. Option 1: Let it fade out If possible, let a so-so. If you are mad at them, this also gives you a chance to calm down or notice any red flags you didn't notice before. Having a directional change in your life can mean once valued friendships are no longer viable. This image is not<\/b> licensed under the Creative Commons license applied to text content and some other images posted to the wikiHow website. But its important to realize that we cant always avoid hurting peoples feelings. It's uncomfortable and unhealthy to feel like you're always in competition with someone. You find the thought of ending the friendship in person too upsetting or worrying. You should never have to deal with a friend who is always putting you down and being very negative towards you when you talk to them or spend time with them. Sometimes, a friendship can be repaired. For instance dont reject every invitation to hang out. "Ciao," and, "Aloha," and, "Cheers," don't exactly work here, because the meanings leave the door open to invite further conversation. How to end a friendship 1. So now youre sure you want to cut ties, consider what type of relationship it is. Decide whether youll interact with this person in group settings. Toxic friends leave you feeling drained, stressed, and let down. 5 Ways to End a Friendship in a Friendly Way However the conversation ends, remind yourself that you put time and thought into your decision and did what was right for you. Ending a friendship through a letter can be difficult and painful. Email the order confirmation to SocialSelf to get your unique coupon code. We use cookies to make wikiHow great. Maybe accept only one for every three asked. Consider the questions I noted above, as well as whether you need to say. "We've grown apart and don't want the same things anymore, and for that reason, I don't think we need to be friends anymore. If you decide to ask your friends for advice, make sure that they don't have a relationship with the friend you're thinking of breaking up with. Perhaps she offered no explanation because she had none. You can always come up with a reason not to date someone. In order to do this, you should start by asking your friend out for coffee or lunch or somewhere in person and comfortable. "I'm sick and tired of the competition that I have to stress myself out with when trying to be friends with you. You cant pull the, I want to see other friends card.. wikiHow, Inc. is the copyright holder of this image under U.S. and international copyright laws. To receive your $50 SocialSelf coupon, sign up for BetterHelp using the link below. But friends well you can have an endless amount of friends. If something bad has happened that requires you to end the relationship, you can quietly slip out and stop contacting or connecting with them. But in some cases, a breakup conversation might be a better option. If you want to end a friendship through a letter, this article will provide you with simple, basis steps and help ease the process. You dont want to make a cut based on temporary anger or disappointment. Consider. Consider trying to save the friendship Before you end your friendship, consider whether you really want to cut your friend out of your life or whether you just need some time apart. If this happens, you may find it easiest to be honest, even if its awkward, instead of repeatedly making excuses and leaving your friend to wonder what theyve done wrong. Being kind leaves the door open for rekindling the friendship in the future if both of you decide that's something you want. That she was no longer in the mood should have been reason enough.. Because we've grown apart, I think we should focus on our other friendships. Breaking up with a friend can be tricky. Lastly, if your friend is everphysically or verbally abusive,this isthe safest way you can say goodbye. "Processing your emotions in real-time and allowing them to unfold is a major step in making the decision to end a friendship," explains Dr. Hafeez. RELATED:How To End A Toxic Friendship (Without Ghosting Like A Jerk). Our review board ensures that our content is accurate and up to date. May God strengthen our bond and fill our lives with happy memories. Reduce thetime you spendinteracting with them in person and on social media. Communicating something as sensitive as ending a friendship through text or email is very impersonal and rude. You can phrase your grievances in a polite yet truthful way stating the facts of how you feel. Narcissistic personality disorder: Symptoms, diagnosis, and treatment, Sociopathy (antisocial personality disorder): What you need to know, How to Become Friends With Someone (Fast), How to Make Friends Online (+ Best Apps to Use), How to Make Friends (Meet, Befriend, and Bond), Have No Friends? They bring negativity to your life Your friend does not leave any opportunity to bring you down. Having this talk gives you a chance to address and maybe evenresolve each of your differences and learn how to have a healthyfriendship. You get 100% free personalized tips based on your results. If you end things positively, you'll be better able to get closure on the loss of your friendship. For example, you could say: Hey, I really appreciate your friendship, but to be honest, it feels difficult to hang out with you right now because I have feelings for you. It simply is not worki. Reply. This article was co-authored by Tala Johartchi, PsyD and by wikiHow staff writer, Kira Jan. Dr. Tala Johartchi is a Clinical Psychologist based in the Los Angeles, California metro area. Enjoy! Tell them youre unhappy with how theyve treated you, or whatever particular actions may be bothering you. Of course this is a more passive method and will take more time to end the friendship,but at least its a step in the right direction. Talking about superficial subjects if you have to spend time together rather than opening up about your thoughts and feelings. Not every friendship is lifelong. How close are you? 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